I wake from a deep dream and need a wee
No need to look at my clock it’s probably just past three
I think about whether to go
The floorboards will creak if I tiptoe past your room
The noise of my wee might make you want to wee 
Then it might overflow in your nappy
And wake you up.
If you wake now you might not go back to sleep
I wait a bit longer, I’m not sure what for
I still don’t move
Now It’s probably nearly four 
Two more hours and you’ll start to stir
My mind starts to stir
A mash up of thoughts and ideas
Leaving a blur
And I still need a wee.
If I leave it any longer
It’ll start to get light
Then I may as well wave goodbye to the night
Five is danger zone
If you wake then you’ll insist on not being alone 
I could have been there and back by now
It takes less than a minute
Tick tick tock
I want the clock to stop
I still don’t get up
And I still need a wee.
I’ve never really procrastinated before
But now it seems I do but only between the hours 
Of three and four
At last I get up 
I do my best not to make a noise
I’m there and back in record time
The relief heavy as my pillow engulfes my head
Feeling the safety of my bed
I hear you cough and snuffle about
I lie still and try not to breathe
That’s not going to help
Then no sound
Back in the safe zone
No need to look at my phone
To check the time
Comforted by knowing the next couple of hours
Are hopefully just mine.

You run through the bubbles to your classroom
And you don’t look back
I feel the tears run down my hot face
And long for your little warm hand 
Safely holding mine
3.15 is when I’ll see you again
But for now it’s just past 9.
I walk across the playground
Which is still full of noise
People saying ‘Good luck’
‘You’ll be fine’  and ‘don’t be scared’
It feels like you’re off to war
And the parents are left on the shore
Only this is a different war
The war of the system.
F**k the system I think
A sudden anger makes me blink
Whoever made up these rules
Who said children have to go to school
So young and for so many years
I wipe away the rush of tears.
We don’t need no education 
We don’t need no thought control
Pink Floyd shouts loudly in my head
Update the system, I think loudly,
This one is old and soon to be dead.
You’re in a class of 30
And a year group of 90
With 6 teaching staff
And you’re 4 years old 
How is that possible 
Will all the parents do as they’re told?
Rules are there to be broken, I think,
I let my imagination unfold.
I want to book a trip away for us
Anywhere really, I’m not fussed
Can the teachers ask me why
You’re not 5 until July
Could you be part time
Or shall I home educate
And give up my job 
We could go away in our van
Live in the moment, do whatever we can.
But am I thinking of you or me
You who went off so happily 
You who loves learning
Who is surrounded by friends
But you are still so young
So innocent and small
Although you do a good job
Of looking older because you’re tall
But you still call a bridge a fridge 
You like to take your clothes off and be free
You think the grass gets dizzy when we drive by it
You call Wallabies Wobbilies
You say udder for other
You say you have a fast forward duvet cover 
When you mean reversible
And it kind of makes sense.
I notice my tears still there
I see the learning mentor who I sort of know
I try to wave and say hello
But I cry and can’t seem to stop
And she gives me a reassuring hug 
I leave a wet tear mark on her shoulder
I try to wipe it off as I hold her.
So off I go to work and off you go to school
I’m left with my thoughts of what to do
And all I can think about is you
And the hug when I see you again
When we meet at your classroom door
That is all I am waiting for.

Packing
Endless things
In the event of things
That may or
May not
Happen.
Clothes for rainy days
Sunny days
Cold nights
Warm nights
Upstairs
Downstairs
Back upstairs forgot the toothbrush
Downstairs forgot warm socks
Back upstairs
So much effort for 
Two nights on our own
In a field next to Alpaca’s 
And a camel called George.
It rains torrential rain
Then thunders
Then the sun comes out again.
On our misty van back window
You write your name
With a smile on your face
So proud of what you’ve done
And in that moment the effort 
Pays off.
We explore
Cook food
Wash up
Find the toilets
Discover the rope swings
You draw endless drawings
I whizz you around on the picnic blanket like a magic carpet 
You shriek with laughter
We make a campfire and toast marshmallows 
And then it’s time for your bed.
You fall into a deep sleep
I’m totally shattered.
I sit by the fire 
In a daze of the day
And listen 
To people chatting
Corks popping
Music playing
I see people around their campfire
Laughing together
Tiredness sweeps in
I close the van door with a loud bang as it’s the only way to shut it.
You keep on snoring
The noise of other peoples evenings drifts around the van
I roll into bed 
And wait for unconsciousness.