(Written during lockdown)

Mummy can you play with me
Just need to brush my teeth
Mummy...
And so it goes on
And the voice in my head says
She‘s asking to play, 
Don’t ignore that invitation 
And the other voice says
Don’t worry about brushing your
teeth
But the other voice says 
she can wait, 
it’s good for her to wait
And the other voice says
Put yourself first and brush your 
teeth
And the other voice says 
she can help  
brush your teeth and 
do hers at the same time 
And the other voice says 
Bollocks to that I just want 
2 minutes 
to brush my teeth alone. 
And it will be 2 minutes because 
it’s an electric toothbrush
And the other voice says 
2 minutes is that all you’re 
going to give yourself
And the other voice says 
maybe I’ll play first 
then brush them
And the other voice says 
you’re overthinking 
just brush your bloody teeth
And so it goes on 
in a split second
And that’s only one 
tiny weeny thing 
at the beginning of the day
And is it bedtime yet?
12 hours to go
And many more voices come and go
And I’m so lucky to have 
your voice speaking back at me
I just wish sometimes time could 
pause 
And I could have a breather 
From the familiar
And travel with my thoughts to 
wherever they want to go
Before they are stopped mid 
thought so abruptly
With a question from you
And the voice in my head 
never goes away
And there’s nobody else there 
to talk to 
Apart from the voice in my head
Am I up to the job of being a 
solo parent
If I am thinking like this
Is it normal to be thinking 
like this
I think so 
says the voice in my head
If there was someone else there
You would share
But there isn’t so you carry on
And do the best you can
And so it goes on
And the clock ticks on 
Because it can’t stop
And so it goes on
But one day soon
Hopefully we can see family
And friends and they can
Be that voice that talks back
But for now
Time goes on
the clock ticks on
You and me together
And we go on
And on 
And on...

‘Want to come in your room’ 
you say at 5am
Oh no, I think, 
please, please not again 
‘Want to come in your room’ 
you say with a whine
Be strong I think, 
she’s not coming in this time

I say ‘just lie down 
for a little bit more
I’ll come back soon 
and open the door’
‘No, no 
want to come in your room’

You voice echoes in the dark
‘Ooh Little Roo, 
it’s such an early start’
‘I’ll lie down and go to sleep’ 
you say with a plead
2 years ago you used to wake 
for early feeds

The pattern of waking changes 
from time to time
At the moment 5am 
is not a favourite of mine
‘But no Little Roo 
it’s just too early’
‘But I want to come in your bed, 
it’s so cosy’

‘Well we can make a deal 
which is you must lie down
Please be quiet for a while, 
it’s too early for sound’
‘Yes yes’ you say, 
‘I wuv you Mummy’
That makes it harder 
and also quite funny
‘Come on then’ 
I say with a yawn
We clamber into my bed 
where it’s still a bit warm

I lie down and say 
‘lie down too’
‘Books, milk and animals’ 
‘Oohhhh Little Roo
We made a deal, 
I just need a bit longer’
‘Nooo’ you say 
leaving me no time to ponder
And so the day starts 
too soon once again
Better plan the day 
and find a friend.

I roared like a lion in your face
You didn’t flinch an inch
You told me to keep still
I told you to fuck off
You didn’t flinch an inch

I roared like a lion in your face
You didn’t flinch an inch
You told me you’d do the epidural
You skilfully timed it in between contractions
You didn’t flinch an inch

I roared like a lion in your face
Then the drugs kicked in
I looked at you and felt bad for what I’d said
You knew what I was thinking
You smiled
You didn’t flinch an inch.